ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
