Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
