So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
