I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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