i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
