yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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