A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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