Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
