Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
