OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
