I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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