wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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