I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
