Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
