Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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