as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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