I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
