i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
