Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
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