If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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