WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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