My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
