I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
