Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
