Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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