why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
