Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
