Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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