oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
