You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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