Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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