The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize