Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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