so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
