miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
COCAINE IS GR8
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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