I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
