I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
