As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
