I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
