I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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