the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
