I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
