Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
