shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
