So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
