the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
