When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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