We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
