i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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