ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize