just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
