Me too!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
