I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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