i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
