I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
